Renewed Motivation?

Let me start this by emphasizing that I'm not intentionally being down on myself. This is not aimed to be self-deprecating or sarcastic. I know how lucky I am, and I'm not trying to down-play that. This is not about self-pity, and I'm not asking for anyone else's pity, either. This is an honest look at one part of my life that I am unhappy with.

So the thought has crossed my mind recently that I really need to do something about my ever-expanding waistline. I don't like the way I feel. I don't like the way I look in clothes. I don't like the way my clothes fit. Nothing seems to fit me right. Nothing looks good. I'm uncomfortable even sitting in jeans.

When I think about having a baby and being pregnant, I truly wonder if that is a smart idea at my weight.

And every once in a while, I think how much easier it was for me to lose weight when I was smoking. No, I won't go back to smoking again. I'm in no danger of renewing any of my old habits, including going dancing a few times a week. However, if truth be told, it was a hell of LOT easier to lose weight when I spent my free nights standing and dancing for three to four hours.

Rob and I went to the casino last weekend. It was the first time that I've gotten dressed up when I haven't felt like a million bucks. I know I've always been big, but I've always felt pretty until last weekend. Last weekend, I just felt fat. That is not a good feeling.

The thing is, I've done this before. I've lost 50+ pounds on two other occassions in my life. Both previous times, I spent a lot of my time working out. Both previous times, I felt so much better. I felt better about myself. I had more self-esteem. I felt better in my clothes. And I know I looked fantastic. Those SHOULD be some pretty big motivators. So why haven't they been?

Lately, I've been thinking about that a lot. Is it because I know Rob loves me no matter what? Is it because I haven't felt a NEED to lose weight? Is it because Rob has always made me feel beautiful and is the least judgemental and most supportive person I've ever met? I think the answer is yes. I think the answer is that I don't feel like I need the approval of someone I love in order to motivate me into losing weight. I think that's a double-edged sword. I couldn't be happier that Rob is like that. I couldn't be happier that Rob looks at me and sees beauty. However, it does mean that I have to motivate myself to do something about this. Rob can be there, and he can be supportive (I know he will be ---- Hi, sweetie!). But what is that saying? You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink? This is all on me.

Everything else in my life is exactly right. Everything else is my life is better than I could ever have imagined. I'm living a life that is better than any of my fantasies. I'd wager a bet that I'm living a life that is better than most people's fantasies.

To that end, I've decided (once again) that I need to do something about it. An article on CNN got me thinking about an old membership I had to sparkpeople.com. I'm going to attempt to give this another whirl.

My short-term goal is 5 pounds. I can't look beyond that right now.

Wish me lots of luck and oodles of motivation.